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Devils Choir: A trials and tribulations of one BVB army member

“You’ve been running for so long, still breathing,
Hoping soon to find a song worth singing.
Every chapter of this note, they’re reading,
But you’re slowly losing hope on bleeding.

I’ll carry you, my darkest desire.
When life sings to you through devil’s choirs.
F.E.A.R. won’t steal what burns in you,
I’ll carry you away from the fire.

My desire, devil’s choirs
My desire, devil’s choirs

Raise another broken glass to failure,
A simple promise of a crimson saviour.
Take a look into the life you’re leaving,
I promise you this isn’t pain you’re feeling

I’ll carry you, my darkest desire
When life sings to you through devil’s choirs.
F.E.A.R. won’t steal what burns in you,
I’ll carry you away from the fire.
Wow!

Come on!

I’ll carry you, my darkest desire
When life sings to you through devil’s choirs.
F.E.A.R. won’t steal what burns in you,
I’ll carry you away from the fire.

My desire, devil’s choirs
My desire, devil’s choirs
My desire, devil’s choirs
My desire, devil’s choirs”

In that video Andy Biersack explains to you the readers what the song “Devils Choir” on Wretched and Divine:The Story of the Wild Ones means. The song hits every home run with me medically, emotionally, mentally, and everything that has gone on in my life in the course of 4 plus years I have been battling really serious medical issues. I also provided above the lyrics to “Devils Choir” inside the article I will explain what part of “Devils Choir” forever changed my life. If only I can speak positively enough of about Black Veil Brides as whole. They mean the world to me in so many ways alone with the BVB army know as “The Legion of the Black”.

I am about to open up to the BVB army about what is going on with me and I am hoping I can help some people out if some of the members of the BVB army are suffering these diseases. I don’t like to open up that often about these things cause it’s quite horrible to deal with and very personal at times to talk about. But its time to open up some what to a group of my peers of what is going on.

This week has been one emotional roller coaster to me. I just celebrated my one year anniversary of becoming a BVB fan this Monday on January 27th. A year ago from that day was anything but unhappy and unfortunate from that until BVB came into my life on that day at 11:00 something that night. I had planned to kill myself and take all my sleeping pills known as Trazadone at the time. Reason why I planned to kill myself?

I was tired of being in pain. Severe pain to even put a 600 hundred pound bully to his knees and cringe in pain. I wouldn’t dare wish my headache pain not even on my enemies. My headaches usually range from 5 on the headache pain scale to about 9-10 being at its ultimate worst. It feels like sledgehammers, rocks, blowtorches, and people beating the fuck out of me. The pain gets so bad that I have to go to the emergency room at least 6-7 times a year.

Lets rewind a bit. Back to November of 2009 when my forever permanent headache started to begin. I was a senior in high school at the time. I woke up one day in November of 09’ with it and its the same headache I have now that has never went away. No relief. No cure. No answers by doctors who I went to seek help too. I am labeled what is known as “The problem child” in medicine. I have been to 10 neurologists and they don’t know why someone would just randomly wake up one day with the worlds worst headache on the planet and its never gone away.

The medical doctors who have helped me out to the best of there ability have done wonders for me though. Putting me on the right path to finding answers as to why I got my headaches to begin with.

I have been through a lot within the last 4(6 now) plus years I have been dealing with these horrible headaches. Who has not go through something terrible in their lives. It’s not easy. But one always has to know to keep their head up high in moments of bad and horrible situations. I have that “Never give in, Never back down” attitude about life.

I have 8 major health conditions(Now 2 years later 15 sadly). 4 being life threatening. The rest being severe to minor health conditions. I have one health condition impending(Getting medical testing done at the moment to figure out what is seriously wrong with me) Test tesults came back positve that I had the condition.I have been through the ringer of sorts with medical conditions from birth to now.

I don’t live a normal 22-year-old life now 24. Normal people my age are out partying and doing those things. I prefer to sit at home and party on the internet with a glass of water. I have a very reclusive life. I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, party, etc. I am pretty plain person. So my version of “Wild” is what you are reading right now. Way to kick the negative in the ass. Plus I have to prepare weeks in advance to do something fun like a concert or a family outing. My headaches are 24 hour, 7 days a week, and 365 days consumes me whole with debilitating pain that hurts so bad that I can’t get out of bed at all but I have too.  I succumbed to an over the counter pain pill addiction that I kept secret to even the family members that live with me. Until a doctor told me in Seattle on March 22nd of last year that if I didn’t stop my over the counter cocktail pain pill addiction. I would be in a coffin six feet under. That alone scared the shit out of me. I did not even know at the time I had this addiction. I am happily ceased all over the counter pain medication that if I do need to take it. It’s under very huge restrictions and medical guidance. Chronic Migraineur’s often do not know what I did without knowing the chemicals and toxins that are slowly killing them. They go on in life with their daily life not knowing their fate could be soon. I am glad to have met the doctor who gave me the tools to save my own life and end my very painful “Invisible addiction” I am very thankful and fortunate. I am currently 11 months clean this month on the 22nd a year next month on the 22nd. It has not been easy but I kicked the addiction in the ass.

I also was given hell by emergency room doctors. Basically “Outcasting” me as a freak and telling me “Its all in my head” which I know my severe pain is in my head but they were referring me to as crazed lunatic their for drugs on the times I visited the ER when my headaches and stomach pains get really bad. I almost once got referred to the fifth floor cause of my severe diseases. I never let it get to me though because I knew I was not anything they were terminologically or wronging me about. Again with the “Never give in, Never back down.” attitude that I was naturally born with as a strength.

I have lived everyday what I refer to as “Hell on earth.” But I don’t let this get to my spirit and get me down. I was not dealt with the greatest genetics on the planet. But I was given a heart of gold and the strength and courage of a lion.

Now I am going to talk about what part of “Devils Choir” that forever changed my life. The line “Take a look into the life you’re leaving, I promise you this isn’t pain you’re feeling” hit me to the core. Core so deep that it resonated with me. Andy wrote the song seeing people he cared about destroying themselves with drugs or alcohol. But what Andy does not know is that with this song and these lyrics he has helped the other side. People who have destroyed themselves cause of pain that one can’t control. Pain that they were genetically encoded like I was to suffer for the rest of my days and their days in not knowing if there is relief at the end of the tunnel or any hope at all for pain to leave us chronic pain suffers alone.

What I am trying to say is. Andy words made me fall in love with Black Veil Brides in such a way that words can’t explain.  I will forever for the rest of my days back the message of Black Veil Brides and who they are as people. My full support, love, dedication, admiration, gratefulness, gratitude, and thankfulness go out to BVB. This also intertwines with the song “Carolyn” which personally touches me deeply and I send my thoughts, heart, prayers, and support to Jake Pitts family who knew his late mother, Carolyn. I can’t explain in words how emotional and mentally enthralling it is to listen to Black Veil Brides music everyday. I am overjoyed by it.

“I promise you this isn’t pain you’re feeling” my interpretation of it is I have been through a hell of a lot and to have a few seconds of hearing through song that I will be okay in the end and there is hope. Makes me believe in the quote “Faith in humanity”. My love and support goes out to the five guys who work their asses off and make such wonderful music. I am overjoyed listening to each and every BVB song out their.

The hardships the BVB army members go through is incredible for me to read and its an honor to be shared their personal feats. Life ain’t easy. It’s what you make of it. I decided to make mine kick ass the best of my ability even the my genetic cards are not the best. I am happy, blessed, and overjoyed to have inspired so many people on the interwebs. I love you all. I do my best that I can. I show my sunshine and you guys and gals give it right back 10x more. It means a great deal to me. Your support and kindness is never took for grant by me.

I am proud to be a Black Veil Brides fan. In that I am proud to represent them around my town in the t-shirts I purchased of theirs. I get the bad comments from the haters. LOL. Then I get the open-minded and lovely fan compliments on my t-shirts everywhere I go. I love that.

Black Veil Brides music is so very personal to me sometimes that I can’t talk about it or be open about it. But I am. I express myself in ways that I have never expressed myself before. BVB got me out of my shell. They have really made my creative mind of words “Take it to the next level” *Hand Rocket* I am very pleased and grateful for everything they have taught me and given to me in advice form.

I hope you the reader has found your niche in the world. Whether it be writing, art, singing, dance, etc. Whatever YOU set your mind to. I know in my heart YOU can do it. Cause I am living and breathing proof that miracles happen. I am not supposed to be alive actually. But I am. I have faced medically feats that even stun doctors. Always remember this quote “Someone else has it way worse than you?” that is what drives me everyday to what I want in life and that is to become a successful rock and roll journalist.

It is that time that I have to wrap up this article. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know people have busy lives nowadays. So it means a lot to me that you took time out of your day to read what I wrote. Always remember “You’re Not Alone” I know a lot of you feel lonely in the world but we really aren’t if you think about it. We all have similar commonalities whether it be something stupid or very serious. Always remember my quote “Don’t have a party pooper attitude, Never give up.” cause no one wants a party pooper in their party or someone who has a sour puss attitude about life when really it will be alright in the end.

I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN’T PAIN YOUR FEELING, Cause really with this song is my pseudo pain-killer and in the end we will all be alright. I BELIEVE THAT WE ALL FALL DOWN SOMETIMES, Cause its okay to cry it all out and you will be okay in the end. IF I FALL I WILL RISE BACK UP AND RELIVE MY GLORY. Cause we all need redemption and self-worth “In The End”

Written By: Mariah L. Hanna

Copyright @PotatoBVBQueen 2/9/14, Updated 6/18/2016

*See about for ‘Journalist Note’

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