“Never give in,Never back down” is my new permanent moto to life. 2016 has been one of the toughest years of my life in terms of death, my own health, and family woes. Plus my anxiety, depression, and train of thought for professional journalling is not good for the sake of who I want and what I want this blog to atone to become.
I am not going to lie and say I had plans early on in 2016 to have this blog bumping and partying but my mental health was waging a war inside me. I planned to only make this a review blog. Review CD’s. Which in turn I will. I decided to scratch reviewing Asking Alexandria’s “The Black” on terms of the sudden recent events of Danny rejoining Asking for good. The only review I am going to work on is Andy Black’s “The Shadow Side”. I may be late to the party in terms of reviews but the turtle always nabs the big one. I have found out being disabled has its large perks to life. Taking things slow is one.
Another reason why I wasn’t so big into blogging, writing, etc is because some of these media publication companies feel entitled to something superior(not the ones I follow). Its not like that. Its about the beauty of why you do it in the first place. The reward is awesome of getting noticed by media outlets and bands. But don’t let it tarnish your craft and who you are. I have seen people change cause of it. I couldn’t give two shits if on twitter or anywhere on a social media I got noticed or anything(but I don’t take it for grant at all). Treat people like humans. Such as the bands you tweet or there members. Plus on any other form of social media.
I also stopped blogging cause I entered a huge depression. I haven’t opened up till now. These past two years I haven’t been able to release any anger or frustration at all at any concert cause I have been house bound due to my health. I have had multiple surgeries since my last concert which was 11/8/14. Was when I saw Black Veil Brides. I have to get another big operation soon involving my right knee. They are going to do the same thing with the left knee I had operated on last April. With everything going on medically with me. My migraines and other problems have been hell. I put on a fake facade for everyone to think I am okay but I am hurting and trying to shut out the world on my feelings. Some days I just didn’t want to get out of bed.I don’t even get out of my own house for a weeks time. But I have been getting out more due to self help. Cause I have gone to therapy in the past but it has failed me. So I just deal with it.
It all got progressively worse when I found out over the internet which is the newest version of telling people my grandpa passed away. I come from a old school background. You either call or write a letter to let distant family or friends know about that. Not over the internet. Then I loose my other grandpa to terminal cancer in November. Plus some major drama came out of that. Plus I almost lost both of my parents in a head on collision in August due to a hangover driver and his negligence. My dad lost his job in October cause the company he was working for the mill permanently shutdown due to things I can’t say.
The year has totally been a drag. The only good that came out of it was the love that my family at home gave and my second families I am in. I couldn’t appreciate the love, support, prayers, etc in my time in need. You all truly mean a lot. It doesn’t go unappreciated. Am truly grateful and thankful.
I often think I don’t deserve help. That I feel like I am looser. Even though I can be the toughest and biggest inspiration to people. I often wondering if people can REALLY help me. But I am still here. I am preserving and kicking ass despite my limited life skill/therapy tools I have.
Its hard to tell people things I have gone through until recently. I have only just realized that telling my story can only help others. I don’t have an ego, superior complex, entitlement, etc.
I am just, ME. I am human. You’re human. Everyone is human. We got thoughts, feelings, dreams, aspirations, etc. I am proud of myself for making it thus far.
So I stepped away, more than a years time to fix my mental state of mind that I am still working on. My physical health, which is a massive load of chores to do. Among other things I had to deal with outside of the blog. I did this for myself and for my loyal readers that I don’t take for grant. I wanted to come back with full on train of focus of why I put this blog out there to begin with. 11/16/16 I felt like I started that journey but didn’t have the right words till now to explain why.
I got my first tattoo and probably my last tattoo for a long time on left shoulder. Its comprised of my dream tattoo/personal BVB tattoo. But its my life lesson, reminder to be strong, reminder to never hate/ to love, reminder to never to take life for grant,etc.
The break down of the reasoning of the support ribbon. I suffer 15 medical conditions one of them rare.
Purple and Pink: Chronic Migraine, Fibromyalgia to the Brain, and my rare condition, Spontaneous Intracranial Hypotension( I leak spinal fluid out my left nostril from a CSF leak due to migraines)
Purple: Athromyalgia and Fibromyalgia
White: Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea and Constipation
Yellow: Endometerosis correlation with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome
Purple/Yellow: I am a suicide and sexual assault survivor. I attempted five times with each time failed. One coorealating with my sexual assault. I am proud to be living still amount the bad shit that has happened to me. My last attempt was dealt with my health conditions and a cancer scare, I didn’t want to be in chronic pain anymore. BVB helped me in my darkest hour. I would have OD on prescription sleeping aids. But I forced myself to throw up. 1/27/13 and beyond is a day I will never forget. I saved my own life but BVB this piece of 🍰 you do own in helping me through something shitty. Plus I was sexually molested by a ex trusted guy on college viewing trip. Help saw what was happening. Never said anything. Help never came. I was molested for an hour and some odd minutes. In front of peers. I will NEVER forget.
Unmentioned diseases and conditions: Gastropresis, Cealic disease, gluten intolerance, gastro-esophogeal reflux disease, depression, anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder, and hand tremors due to my hands being burned to the bone when I was a 13 months old fucking up my whole motor system for life due to a neglectful daycare provider.
The BVB Mourning Star Rosary: Why is it tattooed on me? Well for starters I love old fashioned jewlery and I being a old fashioned soul chose the mourning star drawn by Richard Villa at Exhibit A Art Gallery. I am in love with his artwork. The quality of his prints, art, etc he does for BVB is totally insane. So I am incredibly honored to hone one of his first pieces of artwork he did for Black Veil Brides on my skin. I am also a non devout Catholic. I was baptized as a baby into catholism but I never really got into the religion but respected the art, theatrics, etc of the religion and how nunery( A BVB 😂) was processisioned. That’s another reason why I got tattooed on me due to my own personal religious reasons and my respect for the beauty of the religion. I am purely secular to anyone’s beliefs and feelings. Even when it comes to sexual orientation, etc.
“Never give in, Never back down”: the deep meaning as to why I got this tattooed on me. The full meaning or lyrics ” Never give in, Never back down ( When your life feels lost/Fight against all odds)” is very personal to me. Between fighting the deep depression, anxiety, anger of several things in real life, my health taking a dip, my two grandpas dying this year, etc I had this song as my backbone to hold me up when I am down in the pits of hell. I am struggling to keep my head above the chin level. But I am here. I am here to say you can get through your darkest shit no matter what. Giving in is a easy thing to do but also “Getting up and kicking ass” is another. I rather kick some ass positively. I am disabled, I wake up in pain and go to sleep in pain. This song changed my life forever along with “In The End”, “Devils Choir”,and “Heart of Fire”. BVB has several inspirational and moving songs. But those five are the big ones that changed my life forever. I am indebted to Andy, CC, Jinxx, Jake, and Ashley with there hours and hours of hard work they put in for the BVB army to hear new music,etc. No matter what our lives amount to. Its what you make it. Make it a kickass one. I hope your “Legacy” is bright and potato-ey. Remember “Never give in, Never back down”
Things I am most looking forward to is BVB5 and there tour. Hopefully I am not to much of a cripple when they come to my region. I am in need of a concert fix. I wish to see Andy Black in Spokane in March but the damn doctor keeps fiddle farting around with my surgery date. So sadly I can’t attend due to that reasoning. I am stoked to see American Satan(film Andys going to be in if you are living under a rock all this time)though next year. So many exciting things to look forward to.
All in all, I have had a pretty tough and shitty year but its made me sit and reevaluate a lot of things. I hope to bring back this blog back in 2017. I am sorry you all had to sit in silence and read past articles. I am going to go back and re-edit those. Right now I am just going to get this blog sources up and ready for 2017. I am in the right frame of mind to write again. I am proud of myself to bring myself out of the ashes and rise up out of the ashes again. Hope your holiday season goes swell. Tell your loved ones you love them. Be safe out there. Don’t drive hungover or drunk. Call a Uber or a taxi. Do chores for your parents. Thank you for reading my update on what’s going on. It means a lot. You as the reader means the world to me. So take care. Best of wishes. Je T’Aime.
©Mariah L. Hanna @PotatoBVBQueen 12/19/2016 *See About page please and thank you.❤